What Am I Doing Here?

Tomorrow… or sometime in the future… maybe… I have to tell someone whom I deeply love something not so very loving… And if the tables were turned… I’d be more than devastated… I don’t know how I’m going to get the courage… or if I even should… so I just pray and hope that things will change? Should I wait a bit longer to see if things will be different, or if I keep on closing my eyes to the reality of our situation will I just continue to be miserable and desperate?

How do you tell someone who is happy as is that the situation makes you crazy? Makes you want to not exist?

How do you tell someone that you promised to spend the rest of your life with that you don’t think it’s working out and we’re on two separate directions?

Do you wait? Do you leave?

I don’t know what to do… I’m saddened that I feel this way and wish I could change and stop feeling this way. I’m saddened that it’s come down to this… or at the realization that it’s always been this way, but there were too many distractions to really pay attention to the reality. I’m saddened that I let it get this way. I’m sad I changed and I’m sad I can’t be just as happy in our current predicament.

If I don’t say anything… I might become resentful and bitter. If I do say something… we might end.

He’s never failed me before… but what if this is the breaking point for us?

I’m scared and nervous and I don’t want this conversation… I hate having these conversations… prompted by my insecurity or pride or whatever it is… can I just hold it in and ignore it? Unfortunately no…

How do I become me when you are inclined to stay the same you?

I’ll never want to stop or settle down, there are always new mountains to climb, new valley’s to see and new faces to meet.

I want you there with me… but not from behind or in my shadow, but making your own trails and making your own ways. And then we can share it together… I can’t handle planning your life while I’m trying to pick up the pieces of mine.

I want you to be happy… I don’t want to change you.

And I want to be happy, but I want a change.

I can’t stay stagnant for long. I can’t stay confined and get into a hum-drum way of life. I need new and I need exciting.

I need productivity and creation and I want someone who wants that too… I don’t want to be stuck to a couch all day watching other people live their lives. I want to be out there creating something amazing so that when we are old and gray that we sit back and talk about what we did and not just the era in which we lived.

 

I love you babies… I hope we can work this all through. I’m sorry I’m so driven and demanding too… but it’s who I am… and I don’t know if I can just sit around anymore… and if that’s really who you are.. then maybe we should rethink what we’ve got. I don’t want to change.. but I don’t want this version of you. This version of us.

 

Forgive me for maybe breaking a promise.

 

Who’s A Happy Girl? ME!

Guess who just got her first crock pot????
If you guessed me, that’s right 🙂

 

The Downs and Ups – Making the Best With What I Got

Well, this is my first “downer” post, I was so sleepy this morning when David left for work that I decided to just stay in bed and didn’t get up until 11:45!!! Then my parents called and wanted to grab lunch before we start labeling and mailing off my sister’s engagement party announcements. So no leg toning for me this morning I feel even worse because before I went to bed I had decided to just do 5 reps of each instead of the 10 I started to do, even when the workout calls for 15.

I am def feeling the workout in my legs, and since we live on the third floor going up and down those stairs I can really feel it! The only reason I don’t feel so bad about huffing and puffing by the time I walk through my door is even my skinny friends do the same thing, I just take a couple extra mins to catch my breath! I was hoping it’d be a good work out for the last couple of months, but it’s just a pain in the butt!

So tomorrow I’ll make up for missing today and do the full 15 reps of each work out.

However, I was a very good girl and didn’t overeat at dinner yesterday and I had tea instead of soda. PLUS!! I got to order some black bean and corn salsa! That made my night.

Now just to remember that I don’t like eating out and even when I’m super tired I should try to make a meal for us, too expensive and the food wasn’t that great.

And one last thing, I got another graduation check in the mail today from my grandma! Guess who’s going to the store to by her very own crock pot??? THIS GIRL! 🙂

Happy Saturday!

 

Why I am Becoming Me – For the Last Time

There’s never really been a time that I can remember being happy with my physical appearance, other than just being a “pretty face”.

While larger and voluptuous women are becoming more mainstream, in a way, I still don’t want this physique to be the way I remember.

I see the pictures, I am appalled at how large I’ve gotten, again; hopefully for the last time.

I’ve done the diets, I’ve done the weight programs, I’ve tried pills and powders, I could never get my head or self-control into any eating disorder, other than over eating or not eating anything nourishing.

2012 is the year of big things in my life, I moved out of my parents how, for the last time, got married, graduated, turned 24 and now I’m going to become the person I’ve always wanted to see in the mirror.

This is a personal journey, it’s not for my husband, although, I doubt he won’t benefit from it :), it’s not for my family or because of my family, it’s not for friends, it’s not for appearances, it’s not even really about the health, although my body will benefit from this too, it’s just for me, it’s what I want out of my life and gosh darn it, I’m gonna do it.

I’m starting this blog, more as a journal, but also maybe I can share this with someone else who’s gone through the same thing and needs a little bit of encouragement.

The one thing I know is that this is a daily decision to live a better life and I know I’m gonna struggle with it and I know there will be times when I wanna quit or quite simply I forget about this.
But that’s not the point, the point is that I’m trying to be the best version of me that I can be, and taking care of my body to the extent that I see fit and want to aspire to is all a part of that.

I don’t currently own a scale, and the numbers aren’t what’s important to me. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see, I know that’s a long way away. I want to look and see something more than a pretty face. So I’m going to try a bunch of things, some different eating habits, some at-home exercises and I’m going to discover what living a healthy, happy, beautiful life really means to me.