Archive | December 2012

What Am I Doing Here?

Tomorrow… or sometime in the future… maybe… I have to tell someone whom I deeply love something not so very loving… And if the tables were turned… I’d be more than devastated… I don’t know how I’m going to get the courage… or if I even should… so I just pray and hope that things will change? Should I wait a bit longer to see if things will be different, or if I keep on closing my eyes to the reality of our situation will I just continue to be miserable and desperate?

How do you tell someone who is happy as is that the situation makes you crazy? Makes you want to not exist?

How do you tell someone that you promised to spend the rest of your life with that you don’t think it’s working out and we’re on two separate directions?

Do you wait? Do you leave?

I don’t know what to do… I’m saddened that I feel this way and wish I could change and stop feeling this way. I’m saddened that it’s come down to this… or at the realization that it’s always been this way, but there were too many distractions to really pay attention to the reality. I’m saddened that I let it get this way. I’m sad I changed and I’m sad I can’t be just as happy in our current predicament.

If I don’t say anything… I might become resentful and bitter. If I do say something… we might end.

He’s never failed me before… but what if this is the breaking point for us?

I’m scared and nervous and I don’t want this conversation… I hate having these conversations… prompted by my insecurity or pride or whatever it is… can I just hold it in and ignore it? Unfortunately no…

How do I become me when you are inclined to stay the same you?

I’ll never want to stop or settle down, there are always new mountains to climb, new valley’s to see and new faces to meet.

I want you there with me… but not from behind or in my shadow, but making your own trails and making your own ways. And then we can share it together… I can’t handle planning your life while I’m trying to pick up the pieces of mine.

I want you to be happy… I don’t want to change you.

And I want to be happy, but I want a change.

I can’t stay stagnant for long. I can’t stay confined and get into a hum-drum way of life. I need new and I need exciting.

I need productivity and creation and I want someone who wants that too… I don’t want to be stuck to a couch all day watching other people live their lives. I want to be out there creating something amazing so that when we are old and gray that we sit back and talk about what we did and not just the era in which we lived.

 

I love you babies… I hope we can work this all through. I’m sorry I’m so driven and demanding too… but it’s who I am… and I don’t know if I can just sit around anymore… and if that’s really who you are.. then maybe we should rethink what we’ve got. I don’t want to change.. but I don’t want this version of you. This version of us.

 

Forgive me for maybe breaking a promise.

 

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