Be Faithful In The Little Things
Well… here I am again… trying this hole blog thing out.
I have four blogs, none of which I use on the regular. It’s my pithy cry for help because I don’t feel like I can go to anyone in my life with my issues and hear what I need to hear. How can you ask someone for advice when you know you come from differing points of view and basically they just don’t understand?
I love my family and the few people I call friends. BUT we all are so different, many times when it comes to relational aspects their advice is mute. Also, it’s tough when they all know my husband so well, I don’t want them to think ill of him, but he’s not perfect and I need advice and help on how to cope and deal with stuff.
Currently, my closest friends are years younger than me and don’t have serious relationships/have never been in a serious relationship. My mom and dad are separated, my mom is uber religious and usually just says to “pray about it”… we can see how that helped get you to where you are now… I do believe in the power of prayer and that it is a very helpful and healthy aspect of life, BUT you can’t rely solely on the power of prayer… life requires you to do some of the work too… my sister, she’s great, but she tends to internalize things and relate them back to her… right now she’s in the midst of getting marries (aka planning her wedding), she’s already had to deal with all of the drama of my parents separating, I hate to burden her with my marital issues. While I know she’ll lend a listening ear, it’s hard for her to set back and see it through my eyes, we just agree on different methods.
There’s a string of other girls in my life, but they are all unqualified in my perspective… the few married friends I do have are a) super religious, b) not close with anymore and c) come from such different points of view it wouldn’t be helpful.
I used to be “uber/super religious” but I’m not anymore. I don’t succumb to the traditional husband leads the wife, wife submits to the will of the husband, man works, wife stays home, etc mentality.
My personal beliefs are that the bible is full of principals that need to be interpreted into the context of today. To understand the principles you need to study and dissect the context of which it was written, biblical interpretation, you need to understand the culture, the historical aspects, language translations, and so much more. Once you gain that understanding then you need to see how the principles apply to today’s standards.
I don’t think you can live word or word or pick and chose what isn’t a principle and what is one. Maybe you can get away with that in amish culture, but how is the man supposed to be the head of the household when many women in the middle class are the ones bringing home the bacon? How are women supposed to be the submissive wives when they have to be out in the world working just to help support the family?
All this to say, I don’t feel like there is someone I can go to who understands where I am at and can relate because they have gone through a similar situation.
There’s only one person in the entire world who I look up to, but I don’t really know her that well. I wish I could have pursued her more and built a friendship or something further, but to me she wasn’t obtainable. AK… I will always want to be your friend, your disciple, but I feel too inferior to even ask.
The entire reason for this blog post is because I’m struggling with my husband. He doesn’t really know it… but it’s an internal battle I’ve had since day one.
I love this man, he is so great to me. He is kind and loving. He cares so deeply for me. BUT there are some major character flaws that keep surfacing and he keeps not dealing with it.
I know I am not perfect, but when something comes to my attention that I need to change, I make every effort to grow and change and become a better person. He just doesn’t deal with it.
There are countless examples of him not dealing with issues and how that backfires on us. I’m scared to even talk to him about this stuff again because he’s pretty good at turning it around and not receiving my input. I don’t want to change who he is as a fundamental human being. I just want him to change how he reacts to things or deals with things.
His decisions to ignor some pretty basic every day to day items makes me seriously consider what it would be like to raise a family with him… and I seriously doubt that we could do it together.
How it works now is I handle all the major decisions, I take care of our finances, our living arrangements, our cars, groceries, big picture items, he takes care of his day to day needs. And somewhere in the mix I also need to take care of myself, but it’s usually last on the long list of things and most of the time I’m just too tired to deal with everything. Not to mention keeping up with our friends and our families. He doesn’t really do any of that. I guess to him it’s not that important… but to me, it’s so important. I know we can’t go through life alone… but he seems to think he can. I’ve slowly started to not give his friends and family as much attention because I have so many other people to have to keep up with. And it’s not some burden that is unmanageable, I love my friend and family and I want to keep up with them. I want to keep up with his friends and family too… it’s so important to me. And it’s not to him. Or maybe it is, but he doesn’t know how. I know he usually chalks it up to him being lazy and him having to get over himself. He’s almost thirty! he needs to get this shit on lock down!
This is why I think I need to see a therapist. i want to know how to communicate this stuff to him without it becoming a super huge deal. I don’t want him to feel like I’m attacking him, I don’t want him to feel like I don’t love him.
I am a little disappointed, I’m concerned, I’m sad, and I’m scared at what all of this is going to do with us.
I want to know if I just need to get over some of this stuff, if it’s okay that he doesn’t do these things. Can we get past this stuff and me still care about these things and then accept him for not caring about these things?
Do i need to change my perspective?
But then I remember, that how all this got brought up, he isn’t into the little things. And those little things add up and become much bigger things.
I’m drained now.
All of this because he didn’t register his car…